Monday, August 4, 2008

the result

When I posted last week about my "decision" whether or not to take a ballet job out of state, I was mostly in the stage of trying to figure out what I WANTED to do. I very quickly figured out that dancing in a company is exactly what I want and need at this point. It's what I've always - always - wanted. I didn't care about postponing grad school. I could continue my writing from abroad. New York City would still be here for years to come. Dancing must happen now.

After making that aspect of the decision, a whole whirlwind of things had to be figured out. It was a mess. I was a mess. I was (am) very very very lucky to have an incredible support system of family and close friends doing everything in their power to help me get what I want.

Unfortunately, everything in our power was not enough.
I'm not going to be able to take the ballet job. I'm staying in New York.

Part of me is heart broken.

The other part feels bad for being disappointed because as it is, I am so lucky to be where I am in my New York life, and to "settle" on this as a second choice seems slightly ridiculous.

I so badly wanted to go. I had the contract. I had the will. But unavoidable "life" things just got in the way.

I would dance for free any day. But practically speaking, I would not be able to live on the proposed salary, nor would I be able to afford returning to NYC in the future (to live, to finish school, to dance, or whatever). The other major issue was my apartment lease here, which after many attempts, cannot be broken. And timing was just off. Today would have been my first day of rehearsals after only getting the contract 4 days ago (and signing my lease 2 weeks ago).

In the end it was not really my "decision" to make.

I have always been a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and for now I'm looking at this experience as validation that I CAN get a job dancing. For a long time I didn't believe that, but I guess even though this didn't work out and I'm unhappy about it, in a twisted kind of way it has given me hope.


Kathy with a K said...

You are not only multi-talented; but smart, thoughtful, and I think, wise beyond your years.

You are correct, having your family and friends as support system is truly a blessing not to be taken for granted.

I'm thinking the big gain from this might be (as you pointed out) the validation that you can get a job dancing. And if it can happen once...

Here's a big (((((hug))))); please go celebrate the wonderful person you are!

Philip said...

What a roller-coaster you have been on! It's strange how those annoying little things like leases and just plain bad timing can thwart us so often.

Hope to see you Friday at SUMMER OF LOVE!

Taylor said...

I should add a HUGE MEGA BIG TIME THANK YOU to bloggers and blog readers for your support, advice, and encouragement. It really does mean a lot (even the anonymous folks...)

And yes I'll be at Summer of Love on Friday, Philip! :)

Anonymous said...

Taylor, I am kind of in the same boat you are.Taking open class, college, and teaching. I understand your comment about at least you know you ARE CAPABLE of getting a job.Thank you for being such an open person and sharing your life with us.Like an above poster said....If it can happen once, it can happen again! It just has to be right for you.