When I posted last week about my "decision" whether or not to take a ballet job out of state, I was mostly in the stage of trying to figure out what I WANTED to do. I very quickly figured out that dancing in a company is exactly what I want and need at this point. It's what I've always - always - wanted. I didn't care about postponing grad school. I could continue my writing from abroad. New York City would still be here for years to come. Dancing must happen now.
After making that aspect of the decision, a whole whirlwind of things had to be figured out. It was a mess. I was a mess. I was (am) very very very lucky to have an incredible support system of family and close friends doing everything in their power to help me get what I want.
Unfortunately, everything in our power was not enough.
I'm not going to be able to take the ballet job. I'm staying in New York.
Part of me is heart broken.
The other part feels bad for being disappointed because as it is, I am so lucky to be where I am in my New York life, and to "settle" on this as a second choice seems slightly ridiculous.
I so badly wanted to go. I had the contract. I had the will. But unavoidable "life" things just got in the way.
I would dance for free any day. But practically speaking, I would not be able to live on the proposed salary, nor would I be able to afford returning to NYC in the future (to live, to finish school, to dance, or whatever). The other major issue was my apartment lease here, which after many attempts, cannot be broken. And timing was just off. Today would have been my first day of rehearsals after only getting the contract 4 days ago (and signing my lease 2 weeks ago).
In the end it was not really my "decision" to make.
I have always been a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and for now I'm looking at this experience as validation that I CAN get a job dancing. For a long time I didn't believe that, but I guess even though this didn't work out and I'm unhappy about it, in a twisted kind of way it has given me hope.