a very long post on very big changes

Life would be boring without change - especially MY life. Lately almost every single day brings something new or unexpected, and I’ve come to really appreciate that quality of my life after years of monotony (school, ballet, sleep, school, ballet, sleep). However in the past few days there have been some really significant changes going on, so I’ll share some details:

(editor's warning: this is very long post. If you want a quicker update just look for the bolded stuff)

The first change is a pretty last minute and important one. For those of you who don’t know, I had been planning to become a trainee with the international (based in NYC) ballet company Ajkun Ballet Theater beginning in October. Now, the plan is off.

The back story is that I auditioned for them back in March during the spring audition season and was accepted as a full time trainee. They supposedly rehearsed at a big facility here in the city and toured both locally and a lot internationally. I took the position immediately because it gave me the opportunity to be in a company while still staying here in NYC to finish up college. I didn’t do many other auditions at the time because I was pretty much set on staying here, but I was desperate for some semblance of a plan. I have this incessant need to be in control, and leaving my last year of ballet school with no sense of where I would be dancing in the fall was terrifying. I signed on as a trainee.

The problem with the situation was that I actually had to pay them to be a trainee. In most apprentice/trainee situations the company pays a dancer little to nothing but they receive training for free and transportation costs (etc) when requested on tour. This company is different - it’s actually more of a school-type scenario, and honestly, I’ve been in ballet “school” for far too long for my liking. I’ve gotten everything I can from a strict pre-professional setting, and it is really time for me to move on one way or another.

I stuck with the plan of attending all through the summer, convincing myself that it was what I was working towards while just taking open class for a few months. Since the fall semester started, though, I’ve been growing more and more fond of the freedom that “freelancing” has given me, meaning: 1) I like not feeling as though I HAVE to go to class (though I still go 3 times a day, it’s different when it’s my choice rather than being expected or forced to) 2) I’m able to take advantage of spur of the moment opportunities (and sooo many have cropped up just in the past 3 weeks!) 3) Being my final semester of college, I feel like I owe it to myself to have some sort of flexibility before I graduate and “the rest of my life” starts.

The other problem was that Ajkun Ballet Theater didn’t put up a schedule of rehearsals or performances until just last week, and we’re supposed to start Oct. 9. That was cutting it too close for me, and when I emailed them a couple of times asking if they at least had a performance schedule (because I had other things planned that I didn’t want to conflict) they didn’t answer me! When they finally put up the schedule on the website it was somewhat disappointing. There are very few performances, and most are just with a school upstate. They also have 2 residencies with that school, and I wouldn’t be able to go anyway due to MY schedule at school.

So after a lot of contemplation (and stress, and sleepless nights, and fear of the unknown) I decided it was best if I drop it. It seems like the best thing to do, and I am fully confident in my decision. At this point I’m not sure if I’ll get a refund or how all that will work, but whatever happens I know that what lies ahead will be well worth the choice. For self-justification: I am not a quitter.

What I AM, fortunately and unfortunately, is an overachiever. So in place of dancing with that company I am doing many many many other things.

First off, I am set to do Nutcracker with the Albano Ballet Company in Hartford, CT. Though it’s a heck of a commute (3 hours each way!) it’s a really wonderful performing opportunity at Mohegan Sun, a huge theater in CT. I only go out there to rehearse on Sundays, and so far the choreography is nice and it’s going well. The director is a bit difficult (perhaps an understatement) but I’ve somehow managed to get on his good side. And the best part about it: I get paid. Granted it’s very little compared to the travel time and energy I’m expending, but it’s something. I’m officially a professional dancer. And it’s not even an apprenticeship.

(rehearsal for New Dance Group Teacher's Showcase...I'm on the far right)

Also happening is the New Dance Group Teacher’s Showcase. I think I mentioned this once before, but I’m performing in that on October 5 in a piece by Irene Kent, a teacher at NDG. We’ve been rehearsing for the past few weeks and the piece is coming along nicely. I’m looking forward to that. We may be doing that piece for a benefit show on Oct. 24 (more on that to come).


Outside of dance, my life is just as crazy. School itself is going well, but as the semester moves forward the workload is definitely increasing. On top of that, this week we are closing our second issue of the year of The Monitor, our school paper. Since I’m the Features Editor I have a ton of work ahead of me, editing and proofing stories from my team of about 10 writers, and finishing up my own story about a student who appeared in Seventeen Magazine. I’ll put up links to the issue when it’s available online next week.

More importantly than school is that I’ve been working on getting another internship. As some of you know, I’ve interned with Pointe Magazine and Shelter Interiors Magazine, as well as in 2 public relations places. I really enjoy working at internships (besides the unpaid, free labor aspect) because the experience is so practical: I get to put my education to use and actually see real-life results. I believe internships are the best opportunity anyone can get in college, and to this point with my insane schedule I’ve been limited by time. Now that I’m out of the Ajkun Ballet thing and have my days somewhat free I am able to search for positions more freely and will be able to have significantly more responsibility because I can devote more time to companies.

With that in mind, I sent out a batch of resumes last week while I was contemplating leaving Ajkun. I was very lucky (maybe it’s not all luck…I HAVE worked super hard…) to receive 2 interview requests from the 2 biggest magazine publishers: Conde Nast and Hearst Corporation. Just getting the chance to interview at each was enough validation for me.

I went to both interviews today, and they went really well. Quick & Simple Magazine at Hearst offered me an internship right on the spot. It’s kind of an editorial position in the home department and sounds like a lot of fun. Brides Magazine at Conde Nast emailed me immediately after the interview asking for references, so I’m taking that as a good sign. I’m really excited about both and will be making yet another important decision when I hear from Brides.

Also of interest in the Taylor-as-intern segment of my life is that I spent the past 2 days volunteering at the Folio Show, the magazine industry’s biggest annual conference/seminar. Through the graduate program I’m doing, I got the opportunity to volunteer as a room monitor and be able to sit in on all kinds of lectures and panels regarding the magazine industry. It was sooooo interesting to me, and I can’t even tell you how much I learned in just 2 days! I was surrounded by some of the most important people in the business and the atmosphere was just amazing…keynote speaker lunches, networking…I felt so professional! It was such a wonderful opportunity and I was so glad I was able to take advantage of it at the last minute (an example of why I’m not taking the Ajkun Ballet position).

So in a nutshell (or, not so much) that’s how my life has completely shifted in the past few days. I’ve always been one for planning and goal-setting and everything, but I have since learned that you have to be flexible with your life. It’s been really difficult for me to accept “not knowing” what the future brings, both in dance and in life, but I’ve almost come to terms with that vulnerability. I’m discovering that not having a plan is the best plan of all because I can do what I want, when I want, and in a city like New York with such a fast pace, there is no better way to seize opportunity. I’m finding myself overwhelmed by possibility, but I love that I have choices to make and opportunity abounding.
----

If you’ve made it this far down in my post I applaud you…I tend to ramble, but I had to include it all just for my own sake. As you can tell, this blog is going to be changing a bit. My life has been so compartmentalized to this point, with a clear distinction between school and dance. As I’m nearing a turning point, though, everything is meshing into a very gray area and I think it’s important that I find ways to integrate all aspects of my life, and therefore I’ll be incorporating more of my school/work experiences in this blog on top of the ballet-related writing.

This has been a very long-winded post, and I do apologize, but if you have any comments on anything…my decisions, my perspective, (my insanity), I welcome and encourage blog comments! It’s been a hectic couple of weeks and I appreciate any input on anything!

Routine in the Empty Studio

me (on right) in the big studio - the city as my landscape background of art

One of the most restful parts of my summer, as pathetic as it might seem, comes every Sunday morning before ballet class. Because of the special extended weekend classes we get to be in the oversized studio, which incorporates two of the facility’s largest rooms into a single vast space, with mirrors on one wall, barres on two others, and an incredible view of the city as the background.

Since class is so early (well, it seems quite early for a Sunday - even though it actually starts at 1pm!) Sundays are the only days when I have nothing to do right before class. It is my one chance each week to allow for a proper stretch and warm-up time before hopping straight into plies. I always try to get there so I have a good hour to get organized and such, but seeing as, for whatever reason, I tend to move slower on Sunday mornings, I usually get to the studio around 12:20pm.

After swiping my card and waiting too long for the elevator, staring at crowds of baby ballerinas or teenage hip-hoppers, I finally get upstairs to the room by 12:25. Once I glimpse the studio I know all is well. Empty, with the tinted sunlight shed from the see-through blinds, it is rather chilly and quiet. I immediately drop my bag in its usual spot near the front and hurry to get a barre.

Though there is nobody in sight, I rush to drag the portable barre from the corner to my spot in the center as if the whole class was clamoring to beat me to my place. It’s funny how, as dancers, we become attached to our habitual place at the barre - the place of our internal work, the angle from which we always see ourselves in the mirror, the fixation that remains constant each morning, as welcoming (or unwelcoming) as that first cup of coffee. It is our personal space and our home base that we become so possessive of. Even though no one challenges me, I find myself at the urge to protect my place.

Once I leave my flip-flop there to mark my territory safe from invisible dancers I go back to get my bag. Overflowing with pointe shoes, Tiger Balm, and warm ups, it spills across the floor beneath the cool silver barre. It’s the same every week: change into sweatpants. Empty the pointe shoes and decide which to wear. Replace toe pads in appropriate shoes. Lather the Achilles tendon in anti-inflammatories. Pop an Advil if it’s been a bad week. Set out skirt and flat shoes for the start of barre. Then return everything else to the side.

After all is settled I can relax. By this point it’s about 12:30. I take a deep breath, encouraging myself to begin my necessary stretching, strengthening, and joint-cracking ritual. Both hips are popped (in several directions), as are the metatarsals and the back. I am fully aware of the risks of “cracking” myself so often, but I truly feel like I’m in a stiff costume of armor unless I free up the bones. The percussion of my vertebrae clicking into place is the only sound besides the whizzing air conditioner above. I hardy notice either.

With a renewed freedom about my body I spread wide into a split face down to hug the floor. Though I’ve been all the way down to the ground in my center split for years, I still feel a twinge the first time I do it every day, and Sundays seem to be the most tight.

I breathe in the emptiness of the room and close my eyes, savoring the quiet. To be alone in that great space is liberating. In the confines of Manhattan’s steel valleys it seems impossible to find just a single square foot of personal space. Even in lovely Central Park, with manmade nature abounding, there are constantly crowds of people - always moving. But here in the studio, I am truly alone.

I always feel so lucky to have a brief time to myself in this incredible facility. If I was warmed up and fully awake I would love to break out into some long lost choreography that simmers inside me, never with an opportunity to surface. But by the time my pre-class routine gets me to my feet to stretch my calves I hear the beeping of the elevator in the hallway. Other dancers come in and glance around before entering, as if afraid to disturb my silence. I smile at them. 12:40 on the dot, as always, and they begin their routine.

I think we're all in awe of the studio even with its familiarity. It's like a blank canvas waiting to be danced across with color. Of course one color is never enough for a masterpiece. I can see the buildings of midtown almost at arms length. The clouds are close enough to tickle with my breath. So open and free - yet so enclosed, encompassed, and veiled by the city outside. The juxtaposition of the vastness enveloped in the shadows of buildings is so ironic. Perhaps it’s like art itself: solitary and free, yet overpowered by the capitalist crowds.

Adult Classes for the Summer

me in adult pointe class

Recently - actually, not so recently… - I’ve been taking open adult classes around the city and with one teacher in particular. I decided that instead of going to a ballet intensive for the 13th year in a row (6 of them away from home) that this summer both my body and my mind needed a bit of a break. There were other things that needed to get done as well, so I decided to remain here in the city and take classes at my leisure.

The day a few weeks back when all my friends near and far left for their dorms full of competitive bunheads I admit that I second guessed myself. I honestly can’t remember a summer without a strict schedule of plies and tendus. But this regret lasted only a minute - I am fully happy with my decision to take a break, which, it turns out, is not a break at all!

The main factor in this decision was because by the end of the spring season I was truly exhausted. An overload school schedule, internships, and performances all took thier toll. Physically my body was killing me and while I was taking excessive classes I stopped improving because I was too tired. I was having back pain through our rehearsal period and ended up finishing my final year of “ballet school” with bad Achilles tendon pain. On top of that I was truly fed up with the bunhead ballet world - the cattiness, the rejection, the ignorance, and the general outlook of it as a whole. Knowing that somehow I still want to be a part of this world and will be rejoining it in the fall, I knew I needed a brief change: I needed to get back to the stage where I actually looked forward to class, where my bad feet didn‘t ruin my life, where I can just dance for me.

I am thrilled to say that I found all that quite quickly in the classes I’ve been taking. And, as an added plus, I’ve met many new dance friends that are not in it for the competition or the self-destruction. They dance for the sake of dancing: to move, to be free, to embody music, and to have fun. Isn’t that why most of us began dancing in the first place?

To go back to these roots at my age seemed naïve at first, but as I watched some of the others in those classes I found myself to be as inspired - if not, more - than when I watch the professionals in the big companies! Some of these adult students are far past the retirement age. Some are busy business folks. Some are stay at home mothers bringing their babies to class each morning. Despite their age or occupation, they all share a passion for dance, and that is what I appreciate about all of them.

They become so involved and dedicated, just as much as the pre-professional students I’ve always been surrounded by. They work very seriously and take each combination with the concentration of a brain surgeon. They are determined (some even a bit overly so!) to get this ballet business under control.

Many are eager to go on pointe and do so successfully. At first glance with my bunions and blistered perception I wonder why on earth they would want so badly to wear those painful shoes. I spend hours a day in them and cannot wait to get them off, and here they are begging the teacher for more time on their toes. But it hit me when I read a quote in the New York Times from this teacher that said, “They have the dream in their hearts of the little ballerina girl.” It really is a certain internal passion that cannot be explained which brings us all to ballet. And with these people, as jaded New Yorkers as they may be, this passion is in its purest form.

Something that surprised me most was the number of men in these classes. As ballet students we are trained to consider male dancers as gold and, in turn, many of them think of themselves that way because they know they are in high demand. It is completely different with these adults. There is a far larger percentage of men in these classes compared to any children’s class. And even some of THEM go on pointe! I respect their courage, determination, and dedication for facing certain ridiculous stereotypes and physical factors that prevent most men from this.

Perhaps the most surprising aspect of all this to a trained dancer is that these adults do pas de deux work! Regularly they meet to learn the technique of working together and to practice traditional and more contemporary choreography. They treat these classes just as seriously as the professionals treat a rehearsal - they work together to fix problems, make adjustments, and keep trying. Their persistence and devotion pays off, even if they don’t know it.

Sometimes I think people wonder if I’m losing my technique by taking adult classes and simply slacking off by not maintaining a strict dance schedule over the summer. The opposite is true: I really cannot wait to get to class every day, a feeling I haven’t experienced in quite a while, and I’m dancing just as much as I was during the year (minus the painful rehearsals). And in terms of technique I believe that this summer is the most beneficial one I’ve had yet because I can work how I want to work with a teacher whom I enjoy and who treats me like an adult. I know myself and my body now and I am able to train myself with a freedom that is impossible to have in a pre-professional school setting. I admit some of those adults give me strange looks when I’m in the back of the studio repeatedly correcting my pirouettes, but just as many surprise me by coming over to compliment me (and though I usually disagree with them, it’s a welcomed change compared to the dehumanizing glares and half compliments forced by teachers in many pre-professional classes…).

Although these adults are not working for ballet careers they have something special - a genuine desire to dance, with no inhibitions or limitations. I can only hope that as I grow older I will continue to find that unyielding passion - whether I have a career in dance or not.

I wanted to end with this great anonymous quote I once read but can’t seem to find it. Here’s one pretty similar to it:

Beginning dancer: Knows nothing.
Intermediate dancer: Knows everything, too good to dance with beginners.
Hotshot dancer: Too good to dance with anyone.
Advanced dancer: Dances everything, especially with beginners